Why I would love to migrate to America, but I don’t

Being a journalist, I’m supposed to make small, crispy headlines – headlines that make sense in smallest possible words. Title of this blog post is just the opposite of that. Speaks volumes about my capabilities as a journalist.

Yes, I want to migrate to America. I’m in Pakistan, and no one arrests me here for making a clock. No one even raises a suspicious eyebrow over any ticking thing. We do have suspicions on Americans though. We believe every American is out there to kill us, either through drones or through Raymond Davis.

And yet I’m dying to migrate to America, or any other developed country. You see, this is complicated. The United States starts a war. On terror, off course. Knocks on our door, and goes like

Hey Pakistan! We’re starting a war, care to join it?

Pakistan: Er

Either you are with us or against us (exclamation mark expression on face).

Pakistan: Er

Boom Bang!

Pakistan: What was that?

We just bombed a place inside your boundary.

Pakistan: That’s outrageous.

Say AGAIN (exclamation mark expressions with a very VERY grim face).

Pakistan: We’re with you.

Good. Now Do More.

See, this is complicated. Now Pakistan is fighting a war that it did not wage in the first place, getting destabilized every passing day, and the country responsible for it is offering us education scholarships.

I long to move to a stable country, but my reaction to any scholarship: I do not apply. Because they ask me to fill a form containing 25 pages. TWENTY FIVE pages. Here I can’t write a blog post of twenty five words, and they expect me to fill so many pages.

So I don’t apply for scholarships. I do this so frequently and constantly that I should apply for government funding.

And even if I do get selected for a scholarship, I know what’s going to happen to me. It would be like…

This is how a developed and prosperous country looks like, thanks for visiting, now you can go back.

But I loved it so much, I wish to stay!

Thank you. But you can’t. And don’t try to come back for another five years.

Can you please take me to the moon?

We can’t, because that’s a daily prompt on the daily post.

Phobia: Visiting The Daily Post

Do you know I visit The Daily Post everyday?

YES. EVERY – DAY. Which means DAILY.

And what do I do there. I look at the daily prompt and tell myself, “Aw! That’s too complicated for me.”

Why do you guys give complicated daily prompts? Eh? And then you expect me not to hate you?

Well, hate is a strong word, and I hate to use strong words; but alternatives like ‘loathe’ are even more strong. See, how complicated my life is. Can’t even use an alternative of hate, totally, completely, absolutely ABHOR it.

And now look at the recent prompt – “Phobia, Shmobia.”

Is this even a word? If, by any means, Shmobia means an evolving fear of visiting The Daily Post, I’m feeling it developing inside me.

Guys, you’re going to kill the great writer in me (only a great writer can write 49 blog posts in almost three years – last one dating back to April this year, in which he had vowed to stop dreaming, and start writing)

Stop dreaming, and start writing

STOP DREAMING AND START WRITING

No one, I mean NOT A SINGLE person has ever given me this powerful suggestion.

Well, I do get to hear the first part of it; a lot of people suggest I should STOP DREAMING. Most of them are my superiors at work. They wake me up during office hours and shout – the two words sentence – STOP DREAMING.

However, I have not stopped.

It all starts with three magic words – One day I’ll – and the dream begins. In most of my dreams I’m a terrific, and renowned, and accomplished BLOGGER. I so love it when I write ACCOMPLISHED. Then this sad thing kicks in, the thing we don’t like, but can’t ignore either. REALITY.

The be the kind of blogger I dream of, I need to, actually, BLOG.

I mean – approximately twenty blog posts in one year, three among them about dreaming – does not qualify as blogging. Does it?

So, someone must suggest me to WRITE. And must also tell me how to do it.

Greatest blog post, ever

Editors at the New York Times, and Washington Post!

Haven’t you known yet; there is a terrific (don’t read terrible) opinion-piece-writer sulking around in Pakistan. Off course I’m talking about myself. I’ve been blogging since a year – yeah I know 17 posts in 365 days is way too infrequent – but still, you should have noticed the potential in me. NO?

You guys must know how difficult it is in Pakistan to avoid suicide bombers lurking around in the dark corners and still BLOG, and LAUGH (man! this is not insensitivity, this is bravery).

If pity doesn’t work, we are kind of used to getting our way through threats – so if editors at the New York Times and Washing Post don’t agree on commissioning me a blogging assignment – I’m going to read ALL my 17 blog posts to my two months old.

And this is serious. OKAY.

A fuse title, and confuse tagline

The most read blog in universe – this is what I wanted my blog’s tagline to be.

But then an unfortunate thing struck me. They call it reality check.

When I was looking for a name for my blog, I wasn’t sure why on earth do I need to blog. I kept on asking myself, do I need to blog at all? And a voice inside me always answered, “Sure, that’s the only way to get rich and famous.”

And hence, I wanted something sophisticated as blog’s title and tagline. That voice inside me spoke again, “Who’re you kidding – and make sure to put an apostrophe between who and re.” Continue reading

I dream, so I blog

I’m a news clerk in Pakistan, but for the sake of self-respect (mine), I call myself a journalist. Being less of a doer, and more of a dreamer, I fantasize about making it big one day.

So, what’s my definition of “making it big one day?”

Answer: I seriously don’t know. Maybe something which rids me of the necessity to go to office everyday. I uncertainly believe, that writers (whether they write books or opinions) work from the comfort of their homes, and make huge sums of money. So I decided to be a writer, and hence came up with this blog.

And then came the hardest part – writing. Continue reading

Google Hostel

IMG00026Hey Google! What has happened to your IT business.

I mean seriously!

Some creative genius in Lahore, Pakistan, has thought of using IT giant’s name for this – a boys hostel.

And there is a special offer: in Google hostel, there will be a BBQ party every month. WOW!

The other free ‘facilities’ offered at the hostel are; good food, filtered water (they mean clean water), geyser, laundry, carpeted rooms and yes – FREE INTERNET.

Way to go Google hostel, best of luck.

A Moment in Time