Why I would love to migrate to America, but I don’t

Being a journalist, I’m supposed to make small, crispy headlines – headlines that make sense in smallest possible words. Title of this blog post is just the opposite of that. Speaks volumes about my capabilities as a journalist.

Yes, I want to migrate to America. I’m in Pakistan, and no one arrests me here for making a clock. No one even raises a suspicious eyebrow over any ticking thing. We do have suspicions on Americans though. We believe every American is out there to kill us, either through drones or through Raymond Davis.

And yet I’m dying to migrate to America, or any other developed country. You see, this is complicated. The United States starts a war. On terror, off course. Knocks on our door, and goes like

Hey Pakistan! We’re starting a war, care to join it?

Pakistan: Er

Either you are with us or against us (exclamation mark expression on face).

Pakistan: Er

Boom Bang!

Pakistan: What was that?

We just bombed a place inside your boundary.

Pakistan: That’s outrageous.

Say AGAIN (exclamation mark expressions with a very VERY grim face).

Pakistan: We’re with you.

Good. Now Do More.

See, this is complicated. Now Pakistan is fighting a war that it did not wage in the first place, getting destabilized every passing day, and the country responsible for it is offering us education scholarships.

I long to move to a stable country, but my reaction to any scholarship: I do not apply. Because they ask me to fill a form containing 25 pages. TWENTY FIVE pages. Here I can’t write a blog post of twenty five words, and they expect me to fill so many pages.

So I don’t apply for scholarships. I do this so frequently and constantly that I should apply for government funding.

And even if I do get selected for a scholarship, I know what’s going to happen to me. It would be like…

This is how a developed and prosperous country looks like, thanks for visiting, now you can go back.

But I loved it so much, I wish to stay!

Thank you. But you can’t. And don’t try to come back for another five years.

Can you please take me to the moon?

We can’t, because that’s a daily prompt on the daily post.

Phobia: Visiting The Daily Post

Do you know I visit The Daily Post everyday?

YES. EVERY – DAY. Which means DAILY.

And what do I do there. I look at the daily prompt and tell myself, “Aw! That’s too complicated for me.”

Why do you guys give complicated daily prompts? Eh? And then you expect me not to hate you?

Well, hate is a strong word, and I hate to use strong words; but alternatives like ‘loathe’ are even more strong. See, how complicated my life is. Can’t even use an alternative of hate, totally, completely, absolutely ABHOR it.

And now look at the recent prompt – “Phobia, Shmobia.”

Is this even a word? If, by any means, Shmobia means an evolving fear of visiting The Daily Post, I’m feeling it developing inside me.

Guys, you’re going to kill the great writer in me (only a great writer can write 49 blog posts in almost three years – last one dating back to April this year, in which he had vowed to stop dreaming, and start writing)

Instead of lines, I like curves

I hate lines, whether it is a deadline, or a tagline… I’m more inclined towards curves. If the curve is pointing upward, and indicating my blog stats; I ask myself – OH REALLY?

This is the point when I have to tell myself… stop dreaming and start concentrating –  ON YOUR BLOG. Looking at the nonexistent lines at my blog stats, I feel ridiculous. Readers feel the same about my blog posts.

Seriously guys, this is some kind of a conspiracy, to confine this prolific blogger into anonymity (I’m talking about myself). When asked, what do I do? I tell people I’m a blogger. Because this is a productive way of saying, “I’m a writer.”  When I have nothing to write, I blog. Yet no one reads it (putting a sad smiley is uncool, so, IMAGINE it). I think I shall protest against it, and demand my writes.

Whatever the standards of success are, I don’t meet any of them. Someone told me a straight line to success – work hard. I said I can manage without success, but ‘work’ and ‘hard’ are things I am not familiar with.

Speaking of ‘work’, there is another ‘line’ that I hate – outline. Outlines during a task don’t let me stay sane. Therefore, just to avoid tension associated with an outline, I opt for the first three letters, and stay OUT of the task.

However, there is one kind of a line that I totally love – punch line. Unfortunately this blog post does not have one.

If I can dream it, I can do it

Dreams are good, and that’s what I do all day long.

Like, I dream to have an arrangement where I don’t have to work. NO WORK, AT ALL. And yet earn loads of money. And then I dream of my dream coming true. This dreaming and re-dreaming kind of keeps me busy. That hardly leaves me any time to actually DO SOMETHING.

Of course, if I have to dream anyway… why shall I not dream big? Then there are some people who tell me, ” If you have to get started, you need to stop talking, and start doing.”

And I tell them; I’m not talking – to them.

Do you know Bill Gates? Yeah, that WINDOWS guy. I even proved him wrong. Gates says, “I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.”

My boss was quite fond of that quote, and that was why he assigned EVERY task to me. I DID find a very easy way to do it… I DID NOT DO ANYTHING AT ALL. And hence he assigned the task to someone else.

See, not only have I failed, I have also found thousand ways that won’t work.

P.S: I’m not sure if it was relevant, but this was In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “The Show Must Go On.”

Greatest blog post, ever

Editors at the New York Times, and Washington Post!

Haven’t you known yet; there is a terrific (don’t read terrible) opinion-piece-writer sulking around in Pakistan. Off course I’m talking about myself. I’ve been blogging since a year – yeah I know 17 posts in 365 days is way too infrequent – but still, you should have noticed the potential in me. NO?

You guys must know how difficult it is in Pakistan to avoid suicide bombers lurking around in the dark corners and still BLOG, and LAUGH (man! this is not insensitivity, this is bravery).

If pity doesn’t work, we are kind of used to getting our way through threats – so if editors at the New York Times and Washing Post don’t agree on commissioning me a blogging assignment – I’m going to read ALL my 17 blog posts to my two months old.

And this is serious. OKAY.

Obama, Ebola, and Fazlullah

A shivering Obama came back to home and demanded: “Hey Michelle! Can you please bring thermometer. I want to see if I’m suffering from Ebola.”

Michelle was surprised. Does thermometer measure Ebola as well?

Obama said he was not sure. He just wanted to give it a try. While the temperature was being checked, Obama said he wanted to flee to Afghanistan.

Afghanistan! Michelle was aghast, but why?

Because Afghanistan was the only place that (kind of) defeated America. He was sure that Afghanistan would defeat Ebola too. Continue reading

Kim Jong-un is in Pakistan, living in guise of Shireen Mazari

Kim Jong-un, the North Korean leader, has been missing.

No seriously, he has not appeared in public view since ages. And this has led to some very serious conspiracy theories.

International media is speculating that the leader has been deposed or indisposed. World is wondering, does Kim Jong-un still hold power?

Fuse Views has some very exclusive information in this regard.

The missing North Korean leader has been hiding in Pakistan. And more importantly, he has been living with leader of a political party, Pakistan Tehreek Insaf (PTI). PTI’s supreme leader, a cricketer-turned-politician, Imran Khan is staging sit-in to oust government (Pakistan’s government, not North-Korea’s). Continue reading